Derek Dujardin

San Diego MENding calls “BS” on rapists, politicians and right-wing clueless males…

In Uncategorized on July 15, 2015 at 1:07 pm

Alex Guzman and Noah Zuniga-Williams wrote/performed this song “Blah, Blah, Blah (Bull Sh*t!) to call out politicians who say they want to protect women’s right, convict rapists and stop trafficking, but don’t. “Blah, Blah, Blah” was performed at the InnerMissions Productions of The MENding Monologues in 2015. I love when MENding groups can take the MENding Monologues into other realms of expression (other than monologues). This song has a great attitude and solid message and makes for a natural pressure valve to release emotional tension created by other pieces in the show.

BILL COSBY: What are the odds that all 39 women are lying about you raping them? About 500 Octillion to 1.

In Uncategorized on May 27, 2015 at 9:00 am

Ever since Rolling Stimagesone magazine botched their article about rape on college campus, distractors and rape minimizers have plenty of fuel to point out that false rape accusations happen and happen frequently. Therefore, in their minds, we need to protect all those potentially innocent men out there from being falsely accused by vindictive women.

Yes, false allegations do happen, but it’s estimated to be only about 7 percent of the total reported rapes in United States. Let’s put that into perspective:

Only 32 percent all rapes are ever reported and that 98 percent of all rapists get away with it. In an related story, Bill Cosby wants to us to believe he is a victim of a rash of false allegations against him.

I am going to leave it to actor and writer Kurt Kalbfleisch to enlighten us by crunching some numbers in a piece he wrote for 2015 Inner Mission production of San MENding Monologues called “Forget These Women.”

Forget These Women

by Kurt Kalbfleisch

Greg: As activists, w11269706_10206389016341626_488226433_ne throw a lot of statistics out there.

Kurt: One in three.

Greg: Thirty-two percent.

Kurt: Every hundred and seven seconds.

Greg: Respectively, that’s the number of women world-wide who will be raped in their lifetime,

Kurt: the percentage of rapes that are reported in the U.S.,

Greg: and how often a rape occurs in America.

Kurt: But there are two statistics that we find particularly troubling, especially when you look at them together.

Greg: Ninety-eight percent, and two to eight percent.

Kurt: Ninety-eight percent of rapists will never be convicted.

Greg: Ninety-eight out of a hundred rapists will get away with it, scot free.

All: Ninety-eight.

Greg: And yet, only two to eight percent of rape reports are false. That’s world-wide.

Kurt: Two to eight percent. In Canada, it’s six percent.

Greg: In the United Kingdom, it’s eight percent.

Kurt: In the United States, it’s seven percent. What the hell, let’s just talk about this country. We’ll stick with seven percent.

Greg: Lucky number seven.

Kurt: One in fourteen.

Greg: So, if only one in fourteen reports of rape is false, how do we end up with ninety-eight percent of rapists walking free?

Both: Phylicia Rashad.

Kurt: Okay, of course it’s not all Phylicia Rashad’s fault that two hundred eighty-seven thousand two hundred and four rapists will not be convicted this year, but since she’s famous, she came forward to support Bill Cosby, and she should know better, we think her statements are illuminating.

Greg: Now, in case you haven’t been paying attention, there are currently thirty-nine women accusing Bill Cosby of sexual misconduct. Thirty-nine. We’ll talk more about that in a minute, but here’s what Phylicia Rashad said in Cosby’s defense: “Forget these women, this is about something else. This is about the obliteration of legacy.”

Kurt: Forget these women. To be fair, she later claimed she was misquoted, and that she had said, “This is not about the women…”

Greg: You say potato, I say

Both: bullshit.

Greg: All thirty-nine of Cosby’s accusers say that they struggled for years about coming forward. After all, this is a man who at one time was wealthy and powerful enough to make a serious offer to buy NBC. What Phylicia Rashad said touches on all the reasons anyone might shy away from reporting a rape: that an individual’s reputation or contributions to the community simultaneously makes him or her a target for accusations and incapable of committing sexual assault. That some people are too important to be held accountable. That the only reason a woman would make a rape accusation is because there’s some monetary or social gain to be had,

Kurt: or because she wants attention,

Greg: or because she’s lying.

Kurt: Here’s a statistic for you: The odds that all thirty-nine of Bill Cosby’s accusers are lying are one in five hundred octillion. That’s forty-four zeroes.

Greg: Let me put that another way: If one in fourteen rape accusations are not actually rape, that leaves thirty-six women who are telling the truth about what Bill Cosby did to them.

Kurt: And yet there are people, like Phylicia Rashad, who insist that we should give Cosby the benefit of the doubt.

Greg: Forget Phylicia Rashad. A rape accusation is always about the accuser. Fourteen out fourteen times. And it should be taken seriously, fourteen out of fourteen times, because something traumatic has happened to them and coming forward is guaranteed to be yet another traumatic experience.

Kurt: “What were you wearing?

Greg: Why were you there?

Kurt: Why didn’t you scream?

Greg: Why didn’t you use your teeth?

Kurt: Why did you accept that pill?

Greg: Why didn’t you tell someone before?

Kurt: Why did you keep seeing him?”

Greg: All while the accused gets the right to remain silent. It’s no wonder that only thirty-two percent of rapes get reported.

Kurt: But make no mistake, fourteen out of fourteen times, something happened. Thirteen out of fourteen times, that something fits the legal definition of rape, and yet the prevailing opinion in America today is that most accusers are lying. The police continue to believe that most accusers are lying. Prosecutors continue to believe that most accusers are lying. People…family, friends, colleagues, social media contacts…continue to believe that most accusers are lying.

Greg: Because they need to.

Kurt: Many men need to believe it because they recognize themselves and their actions in the accusations. Aggressive sexual behavior has, for generations, gotten a pass. It’s been held up as the model for masculinity. You can see it in how we talk about women: “Man, I’d like to knock me off a piece of that!” We’re taught to be masculine,

Greg: always masculine,

Kurt: to compete to be the most masculine, and that the way to prove it is to accuse other men of being feminine.

Greg: As if femininity is wrong.

Kurt: Not just wrong for a man,

Greg: but wrong,

Kurt: less than,

Greg: worthy of contempt.

Kurt: Boys are taught that girls always resist sex, even when they want it.

Greg: And good girls don’t want it.

Kurt: Ever. So you have to convince them, to overcome their defenses. We grow up with the idea that it’s healthy to struggle to get laid,

Greg: that it’s natural to have to overcome a woman’s resistance,

Kurt: and that real men do so with ease. If most accusers are telling the truth, then

Both: how many more of us are rapists?

Greg: Women need to believe that accusers are lying, too, because if an accuser is telling the truth, then they didn’t break the rules of behavior. If an accuser broke the rules, if she got raped because she didn’t do all the things women are supposed to do to avoid being raped, then, well, she’s obviously a slut and it can’t happen to me because I’m a good girl.

Kurt: And if she did do everything right and she still got raped, then she has to be lying because if she isn’t, how can any woman feel safe?

Greg: The tragedy here is that as a society, we’re so desperate for the illusion of safety that we’re willing to let ninety-eight out of hundred rapists go free.

Kurt: Now, we’re not suggesting that all women who report rape are telling the truth.

Greg: We’re also not suggesting that we should, for one second, assume that anyone is guilty-until-proven-innocent.

Kurt: We are saying that we should remember that when anyone reports being raped, they’re almost certainly reliving a traumatic event in their lives while dealing with the additional trauma of public scrutiny. We’re saying that our usual response to an accusation of rape is out of balance.

Greg: We’re saying that there needs to be a change.

Kurt: We give the accused the benefit of the doubt, automatically.

Greg: It’s time we give the same benefit to the accuser.

Kurt: Automatically.

Greg: Fourteen out of fourteen times.

Kurt: Unless we do, we can forget the truth.

Consent with a Twist.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Marisa Herrera-Keehn, a senior at California State University Monterey Bay, wrote and performed a provocative, sex-positive piece about “consent” by introducing her audience to the BDMS community (Bondage, Dominate, Sadist, Masochist) for 2015 MENding Monologues on her campus.

Finding ways to formulize and teach the concept of consensual sex on college campuses has been an uphill battle for many 11088482_10205346205588585_4100777638426605957_oeducators and advocates. Universities have asked or even require students to use written consent contracts prior to going on a date or engaging in sex to make consent completely crystal clear to both partners. While I applaud the effort (I am sure just talking about the existence of the contract itself probably generates a lively conversation about consent), I am sure in practice the contract is seldom used by students as it is intended.

In my opinion, Marisa’s piece could be subtitled “Consent Is Sexy” because it delivers its message in a juicy, provocative manner that is hard to ignore and is quite memorable. It also expands the idea of consent beyond “Yes” to “Yes, and…and…and what else?” creating a greater conversation around sex, boundaries, requests and pleasure. After all, if you can’t talk honestly about sex with your partner, are you really ready for that level of intimacy?

If trust is the bedrock of the BDMS community, where so much personal risk and safety is at stake, perhaps those of us with more pedestrian tastes can take a page from the BDMS playbook when comes to teaching and practicing consent.

This is What Consent Looks Like

Written & Performed by Marisa Herrera-Keehn

“Welcome to my lair, have a seat please make yourself at home! Yes this is my lair, my cave of wonders, my castle in the sky, a paradise for the weird. You probably got my card from an older gentlemen, you may have seen him around before. Thick Irish accent with a strong chlorine scent. Or you’re here because you are genuinely curious about my services.

Ahhh, I see it’s your first time with a Dominatrix. Well I can give you a nice detailed rundown of my work and the BDSM community. Did you know that BDSM actually stands for something? Bondage, Dominant, Submissive, Masochist. The most common interpretation is the S&M part, Sadist and Masochist. A Sadist is someone who enjoys causing pain, while a Masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain. So you can already tell who’s holding the whip and who’s tied up. You can be both, you can be a Sadomasochist. You both enjoy pain and giving it.

Though BDSM community in its entirety wouldn’t exist without one simple word, consent. Communication is the Golden Rule and Trust is critical. Trusting your body completely over to me and knowing with every fiber of your being that I’ll treat you right. But only if you give me that freedom. Without trust or permission what you have left is illegal in so many ways. Domestic Abuse, Assault and Battery, and that’s just the slope of the mountain. If you have even the slightest bit of doubt, talk to me and I’ll make you as comfortable as possible but only if you say so. If you’re scared I will hold you, if you start to cry I will wipe your tears, if you want me to stop I will stop. Because even I understand that no means no.

Now, sit back, relax and let me do what I do best. I’ll make you squirm with pleasure, scream while the threads hit your back, and moan until you can’t take it anymore. I’ll take you around the world baby, if you want it harder I’ll oblige, if you want more I won’t hesitate to give you anything you want. But only if you say it’s ok.

I know the idea of it is a little nerve wracking, but BDSM isn’t just about pain through various methods. It’s all about whatever you want sweetie, the possibilities are endless! Honestly there’s no way I could list all the different categories in one night’s time, but it’s so much more than just whips and chains. It’s all about preference! It’s all up to you! You may want me to dress in sexy clothing and talk dirty, you may want me to strap you into a nice fur lined leather collar for me to drag you around, or just to tie you up and walk away. Remember kids, you don’t need a flogger to drive a sub crazy. There’s so many other things you can use! Paddles, wooden spoons, vibrators, electric toothbrushes, hair ties, anything silk really, feathers, candle wax, needles, clamps for the more daring. A flogger is my tool of choice but honestly it’s whatever fits in your hand like the last piece of a puzzle that had been missing for years in that moment. It’s an indescribable feeling, just like the job I do.

Because as a Dom, I am here to serve your needs, no matter how strange. I will not judge you or talk you out of anything, I will never make you feel forced into anything you don’t want to do. People like me understand that not everyone is comfortable sharing their sexual preferences, but after the first round they always come back for more. Why? Because I offer comfort and a safe space for you to be free in. I wont make you feel scared or restrained, unless you want me to. Take a deep breath and close your eyes, make sure that every part of you is relaxed.

Comfort is a right that everyone deserves, just look at me. 3 years ago I was a scared freshman starting out in the big leagues of University, I felt lost and confused, alone and ashamed of who I was. There was something missing from my life, a desire that burned through my veins and screamed at me everytime I looked in a mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. 2 years ago, I found my first “submissive”. A wild card whose pain tolerance trumped all the rest. He took me gently by the hand and showed me all the strange

parts of passion I never knew existed. I remember looking in the mirror later that night, and smiling because I saw a fire burning in my eye’s that I had never seen before. It felt so good, so right, so warm, I kept fanning that fire until it consumed me.

I discovered that I have a special power of my own and trust me when I say that it’ll never go to my head. But if we’re going to play, let me set a few rules. One, you are always to address us as Mistress for the ladies and Masters for the men. Or vise versa depending on your preference. Two, you are only to speak when spoken to. And three, you are never to look down on me. You will obey me and if you’re bad you’ll get your punishment. Are you ok with me dominating you?”

Male subservient replies “Yes Mistress.”

“Oh hunny, I’m not going to just whip and leave, there’s a whole aftercare process that goes along with the community. A big part of BDSM that people, porn, and on occasion horrible fan fictions stigmatize is the idea that Doms consensually torture Subs, and that’s it. But that is not it! Dom’s are warm and caring people, we know how to take care of your wounds and we hold you when it’s all said and done. Some of us have our own style of care, some sing, some use baths, some use cuddling for hours. Whatever it may be as long as you feel comfortable and safe, we’re doing our job. And when I do my job, I’m satisfied.

Well my darlings I’m afraid out time is up. But if you’re interested in continuing your learning outside of my lair, do your research and take it slow. This isn’t something everyone is interested in, believe me I know that. Take my advice. Read articles, read blogs, read books, read about whatever you are interested in! Make sure you have a safe word, always communicate to one another. Don’t start off with metal handcuffs because bruised wrists can be annoying, unless you’re into that. Toys are encouraged, velcro or nylon ropes can be pretty fun, always cuddle afterwards! Use protection and be sure to always ask permission first!

Because without consent, we as the BDSM community wouldn’t exist. Because this what consent sounds like, this is what consent feels like. I am what consent looks like.”

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