Derek Dujardin

Posts Tagged ‘consent’

Consent with a Twist.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Marisa Herrera-Keehn, a senior at California State University Monterey Bay, wrote and performed a provocative, sex-positive piece about “consent” by introducing her audience to the BDMS community (Bondage, Dominate, Sadist, Masochist) for 2015 MENding Monologues on her campus.

Finding ways to formulize and teach the concept of consensual sex on college campuses has been an uphill battle for many 11088482_10205346205588585_4100777638426605957_oeducators and advocates. Universities have asked or even require students to use written consent contracts prior to going on a date or engaging in sex to make consent completely crystal clear to both partners. While I applaud the effort (I am sure just talking about the existence of the contract itself probably generates a lively conversation about consent), I am sure in practice the contract is seldom used by students as it is intended.

In my opinion, Marisa’s piece could be subtitled “Consent Is Sexy” because it delivers its message in a juicy, provocative manner that is hard to ignore and is quite memorable. It also expands the idea of consent beyond “Yes” to “Yes, and…and…and what else?” creating a greater conversation around sex, boundaries, requests and pleasure. After all, if you can’t talk honestly about sex with your partner, are you really ready for that level of intimacy?

If trust is the bedrock of the BDMS community, where so much personal risk and safety is at stake, perhaps those of us with more pedestrian tastes can take a page from the BDMS playbook when comes to teaching and practicing consent.

This is What Consent Looks Like

Written & Performed by Marisa Herrera-Keehn

“Welcome to my lair, have a seat please make yourself at home! Yes this is my lair, my cave of wonders, my castle in the sky, a paradise for the weird. You probably got my card from an older gentlemen, you may have seen him around before. Thick Irish accent with a strong chlorine scent. Or you’re here because you are genuinely curious about my services.

Ahhh, I see it’s your first time with a Dominatrix. Well I can give you a nice detailed rundown of my work and the BDSM community. Did you know that BDSM actually stands for something? Bondage, Dominant, Submissive, Masochist. The most common interpretation is the S&M part, Sadist and Masochist. A Sadist is someone who enjoys causing pain, while a Masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain. So you can already tell who’s holding the whip and who’s tied up. You can be both, you can be a Sadomasochist. You both enjoy pain and giving it.

Though BDSM community in its entirety wouldn’t exist without one simple word, consent. Communication is the Golden Rule and Trust is critical. Trusting your body completely over to me and knowing with every fiber of your being that I’ll treat you right. But only if you give me that freedom. Without trust or permission what you have left is illegal in so many ways. Domestic Abuse, Assault and Battery, and that’s just the slope of the mountain. If you have even the slightest bit of doubt, talk to me and I’ll make you as comfortable as possible but only if you say so. If you’re scared I will hold you, if you start to cry I will wipe your tears, if you want me to stop I will stop. Because even I understand that no means no.

Now, sit back, relax and let me do what I do best. I’ll make you squirm with pleasure, scream while the threads hit your back, and moan until you can’t take it anymore. I’ll take you around the world baby, if you want it harder I’ll oblige, if you want more I won’t hesitate to give you anything you want. But only if you say it’s ok.

I know the idea of it is a little nerve wracking, but BDSM isn’t just about pain through various methods. It’s all about whatever you want sweetie, the possibilities are endless! Honestly there’s no way I could list all the different categories in one night’s time, but it’s so much more than just whips and chains. It’s all about preference! It’s all up to you! You may want me to dress in sexy clothing and talk dirty, you may want me to strap you into a nice fur lined leather collar for me to drag you around, or just to tie you up and walk away. Remember kids, you don’t need a flogger to drive a sub crazy. There’s so many other things you can use! Paddles, wooden spoons, vibrators, electric toothbrushes, hair ties, anything silk really, feathers, candle wax, needles, clamps for the more daring. A flogger is my tool of choice but honestly it’s whatever fits in your hand like the last piece of a puzzle that had been missing for years in that moment. It’s an indescribable feeling, just like the job I do.

Because as a Dom, I am here to serve your needs, no matter how strange. I will not judge you or talk you out of anything, I will never make you feel forced into anything you don’t want to do. People like me understand that not everyone is comfortable sharing their sexual preferences, but after the first round they always come back for more. Why? Because I offer comfort and a safe space for you to be free in. I wont make you feel scared or restrained, unless you want me to. Take a deep breath and close your eyes, make sure that every part of you is relaxed.

Comfort is a right that everyone deserves, just look at me. 3 years ago I was a scared freshman starting out in the big leagues of University, I felt lost and confused, alone and ashamed of who I was. There was something missing from my life, a desire that burned through my veins and screamed at me everytime I looked in a mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. 2 years ago, I found my first “submissive”. A wild card whose pain tolerance trumped all the rest. He took me gently by the hand and showed me all the strange

parts of passion I never knew existed. I remember looking in the mirror later that night, and smiling because I saw a fire burning in my eye’s that I had never seen before. It felt so good, so right, so warm, I kept fanning that fire until it consumed me.

I discovered that I have a special power of my own and trust me when I say that it’ll never go to my head. But if we’re going to play, let me set a few rules. One, you are always to address us as Mistress for the ladies and Masters for the men. Or vise versa depending on your preference. Two, you are only to speak when spoken to. And three, you are never to look down on me. You will obey me and if you’re bad you’ll get your punishment. Are you ok with me dominating you?”

Male subservient replies “Yes Mistress.”

“Oh hunny, I’m not going to just whip and leave, there’s a whole aftercare process that goes along with the community. A big part of BDSM that people, porn, and on occasion horrible fan fictions stigmatize is the idea that Doms consensually torture Subs, and that’s it. But that is not it! Dom’s are warm and caring people, we know how to take care of your wounds and we hold you when it’s all said and done. Some of us have our own style of care, some sing, some use baths, some use cuddling for hours. Whatever it may be as long as you feel comfortable and safe, we’re doing our job. And when I do my job, I’m satisfied.

Well my darlings I’m afraid out time is up. But if you’re interested in continuing your learning outside of my lair, do your research and take it slow. This isn’t something everyone is interested in, believe me I know that. Take my advice. Read articles, read blogs, read books, read about whatever you are interested in! Make sure you have a safe word, always communicate to one another. Don’t start off with metal handcuffs because bruised wrists can be annoying, unless you’re into that. Toys are encouraged, velcro or nylon ropes can be pretty fun, always cuddle afterwards! Use protection and be sure to always ask permission first!

Because without consent, we as the BDSM community wouldn’t exist. Because this what consent sounds like, this is what consent feels like. I am what consent looks like.”

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