Derek Dujardin

Posts Tagged ‘gender issues’

Consent with a Twist.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Marisa Herrera-Keehn, a senior at California State University Monterey Bay, wrote and performed a provocative, sex-positive piece about “consent” by introducing her audience to the BDMS community (Bondage, Dominate, Sadist, Masochist) for 2015 MENding Monologues on her campus.

Finding ways to formulize and teach the concept of consensual sex on college campuses has been an uphill battle for many 11088482_10205346205588585_4100777638426605957_oeducators and advocates. Universities have asked or even require students to use written consent contracts prior to going on a date or engaging in sex to make consent completely crystal clear to both partners. While I applaud the effort (I am sure just talking about the existence of the contract itself probably generates a lively conversation about consent), I am sure in practice the contract is seldom used by students as it is intended.

In my opinion, Marisa’s piece could be subtitled “Consent Is Sexy” because it delivers its message in a juicy, provocative manner that is hard to ignore and is quite memorable. It also expands the idea of consent beyond “Yes” to “Yes, and…and…and what else?” creating a greater conversation around sex, boundaries, requests and pleasure. After all, if you can’t talk honestly about sex with your partner, are you really ready for that level of intimacy?

If trust is the bedrock of the BDMS community, where so much personal risk and safety is at stake, perhaps those of us with more pedestrian tastes can take a page from the BDMS playbook when comes to teaching and practicing consent.

This is What Consent Looks Like

Written & Performed by Marisa Herrera-Keehn

“Welcome to my lair, have a seat please make yourself at home! Yes this is my lair, my cave of wonders, my castle in the sky, a paradise for the weird. You probably got my card from an older gentlemen, you may have seen him around before. Thick Irish accent with a strong chlorine scent. Or you’re here because you are genuinely curious about my services.

Ahhh, I see it’s your first time with a Dominatrix. Well I can give you a nice detailed rundown of my work and the BDSM community. Did you know that BDSM actually stands for something? Bondage, Dominant, Submissive, Masochist. The most common interpretation is the S&M part, Sadist and Masochist. A Sadist is someone who enjoys causing pain, while a Masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain. So you can already tell who’s holding the whip and who’s tied up. You can be both, you can be a Sadomasochist. You both enjoy pain and giving it.

Though BDSM community in its entirety wouldn’t exist without one simple word, consent. Communication is the Golden Rule and Trust is critical. Trusting your body completely over to me and knowing with every fiber of your being that I’ll treat you right. But only if you give me that freedom. Without trust or permission what you have left is illegal in so many ways. Domestic Abuse, Assault and Battery, and that’s just the slope of the mountain. If you have even the slightest bit of doubt, talk to me and I’ll make you as comfortable as possible but only if you say so. If you’re scared I will hold you, if you start to cry I will wipe your tears, if you want me to stop I will stop. Because even I understand that no means no.

Now, sit back, relax and let me do what I do best. I’ll make you squirm with pleasure, scream while the threads hit your back, and moan until you can’t take it anymore. I’ll take you around the world baby, if you want it harder I’ll oblige, if you want more I won’t hesitate to give you anything you want. But only if you say it’s ok.

I know the idea of it is a little nerve wracking, but BDSM isn’t just about pain through various methods. It’s all about whatever you want sweetie, the possibilities are endless! Honestly there’s no way I could list all the different categories in one night’s time, but it’s so much more than just whips and chains. It’s all about preference! It’s all up to you! You may want me to dress in sexy clothing and talk dirty, you may want me to strap you into a nice fur lined leather collar for me to drag you around, or just to tie you up and walk away. Remember kids, you don’t need a flogger to drive a sub crazy. There’s so many other things you can use! Paddles, wooden spoons, vibrators, electric toothbrushes, hair ties, anything silk really, feathers, candle wax, needles, clamps for the more daring. A flogger is my tool of choice but honestly it’s whatever fits in your hand like the last piece of a puzzle that had been missing for years in that moment. It’s an indescribable feeling, just like the job I do.

Because as a Dom, I am here to serve your needs, no matter how strange. I will not judge you or talk you out of anything, I will never make you feel forced into anything you don’t want to do. People like me understand that not everyone is comfortable sharing their sexual preferences, but after the first round they always come back for more. Why? Because I offer comfort and a safe space for you to be free in. I wont make you feel scared or restrained, unless you want me to. Take a deep breath and close your eyes, make sure that every part of you is relaxed.

Comfort is a right that everyone deserves, just look at me. 3 years ago I was a scared freshman starting out in the big leagues of University, I felt lost and confused, alone and ashamed of who I was. There was something missing from my life, a desire that burned through my veins and screamed at me everytime I looked in a mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. 2 years ago, I found my first “submissive”. A wild card whose pain tolerance trumped all the rest. He took me gently by the hand and showed me all the strange

parts of passion I never knew existed. I remember looking in the mirror later that night, and smiling because I saw a fire burning in my eye’s that I had never seen before. It felt so good, so right, so warm, I kept fanning that fire until it consumed me.

I discovered that I have a special power of my own and trust me when I say that it’ll never go to my head. But if we’re going to play, let me set a few rules. One, you are always to address us as Mistress for the ladies and Masters for the men. Or vise versa depending on your preference. Two, you are only to speak when spoken to. And three, you are never to look down on me. You will obey me and if you’re bad you’ll get your punishment. Are you ok with me dominating you?”

Male subservient replies “Yes Mistress.”

“Oh hunny, I’m not going to just whip and leave, there’s a whole aftercare process that goes along with the community. A big part of BDSM that people, porn, and on occasion horrible fan fictions stigmatize is the idea that Doms consensually torture Subs, and that’s it. But that is not it! Dom’s are warm and caring people, we know how to take care of your wounds and we hold you when it’s all said and done. Some of us have our own style of care, some sing, some use baths, some use cuddling for hours. Whatever it may be as long as you feel comfortable and safe, we’re doing our job. And when I do my job, I’m satisfied.

Well my darlings I’m afraid out time is up. But if you’re interested in continuing your learning outside of my lair, do your research and take it slow. This isn’t something everyone is interested in, believe me I know that. Take my advice. Read articles, read blogs, read books, read about whatever you are interested in! Make sure you have a safe word, always communicate to one another. Don’t start off with metal handcuffs because bruised wrists can be annoying, unless you’re into that. Toys are encouraged, velcro or nylon ropes can be pretty fun, always cuddle afterwards! Use protection and be sure to always ask permission first!

Because without consent, we as the BDSM community wouldn’t exist. Because this what consent sounds like, this is what consent feels like. I am what consent looks like.”

Advertisements

The MENding Monologues performed in Kenya!

In Uncategorized on April 29, 2015 at 12:00 pm
Poster version one of the show.

Poster version one of the show.

11112958_10206750410937734_9173004605389208940_o

The MENding Monologues was performed in Kenya in late January 2015. I thought about going to the show to see it for myself, but the $1,800 plane fare was just a little too steep. Naomi Mwaura, the show’s producer, told me in an email the following: “This is the first time that I have seen my team of actors cry before and during a performance. The MENding Monologues performance did so well that the US Embassy in Kenya is willing to sponsor us to perform to their employees. Am so EXCITED!!

Sincerely,
Naomi Mwaura | One Billion Rising Coordinator-Kenya

WOW. I am excited, too. Not just for her, but to see what they wrote and how they performed it. She has promised me a DVD of the show. If I am able to upload videos of it from the DVD I am sent, I will be posting the content here. Stay tuned.

A small quiet voice…

In Uncategorized on September 21, 2009 at 1:18 am

This is guest blog spot from Tom Puetz. Tom joined the The MENding Monologues and shared with us this piece about the chain of violence and how we become trained to become villains and victimizers. And how we can train ourselves not to be. Tom is writing a book about his Vietnam experiences and recommend you Google him.

Head Shot 2

A Quiet Voice

Written and lived by Tom Puetz

I remember when I was a little boy back on the farm in Indiana I just wanted to know what made the corn grow. You might say I had a loving reverence for life. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that. I must have because I dropped out of my second year of collage and volunteered for Vietnam.

Yet, as a war veteran I’m not special. So many have suffered a different kind of war.  So many have suffered the private degradation of domestic violence or lost a loved one to violent crime. So many have subtracted themselves from society because of violence?  So many are afraid to show their eyes, or feel unable to touch life without tainting it? There will be no welcome home parade for them, no medals for the bravery they show by simply living through another day. I wish I had a healing prayer, or ceremony that would bring them back into the fold, to be alive again.

Perhaps there will never be understanding from those who have not felt emotional or physical violence. The task of making sense of it all, of giving some meaning to the road we have traveled is left entirely up to us, the survivors of trauma.  The responsibility of breaking the chain of violence by showing compassion in return for hatred is ours, the walking wounded.

When I was a soldier in the Vietnam War I was on both ends of the chain of violence. I know what it’s like to live in fear, to be trapped, to fell hopeless and abandoned. I also know what it’s like to give in to fear and hatred and kill a man.

I had a turning point while I was in Nam. It was late afternoon. I was getting my squad together to go out on a typical listening point when the word came down the V. C. were moving into a village near our firebase. So our company was assigned to cordon off that village. By the time we got to the village it was getting dark. My lieutenant was new, he had been in Nam for about a week. I didn’t know where the rest of the company was just my platoon. Sgt. Horn had a third squad on point. I was following his squad. He was in the Nipa palm mangrove along a canal at the far end of the village and then we were ambushed.

We started taking AK-47 and machinegun fire coming from the village. We all hit the dirt. We were in the middle of a rice paddy. The only cover we had was a foot high dike. The new guy beside me was scared shitless. His eyes were as big as saucers. I guess I was scared to but I had learned to cover the fear with anger. I crawled up next to my RTO (radio man) and heard the CO, probably on the other side of the village, calling for gun ships.

The lead squad was in the nipa palm, my Lt. was with the first squad still up by the road. My squad was in the middle of the action so the CO gave me fire direction of the two Cobra gun ships.  It was dark now but I heard the gun ships so I marked my position with a strobe. When the lead cobra called for fire direction I gave him the direction and distance from my position. When he swung around to make his run he saw I had directed the fire right down a row of huts on my side of the village. He called me on the radio and said “Tiger three, Tiger three ARE YOU SURE”? I had only seconds to respond. As I was about to key the mike I heard a quiet voice saying “No, stop, don’t do this”. I keyed the mike and said “Yes. I’m sure. Make the run”.

You can’t imagine what two Cobra gunship can do to a village of grass huts. It did end the firefight but we had to stay in position. I laid out in that rice paddy all night thinking about what I had just done. At dawn we moved in to search the village. I decided to walk point. The first person I saw was a mamasan. She was on her knees sobbing and weeping. She saw me, stood up, looked me in the eyes and said “Why! Why! Why!  I heard the quiet voice again. It said ” Tom, you lost your compassion. You de-humanized them. That’s why you could do this “.

More than eighty villagers were killed that night, men women and children.  That was the turning point for me. After facing what I had done, and what I had become in order to do it, I could no longer kill without hesitation or remorse. Before I left Vietnam I started to feel compassion again.  That is a dangerous thing in a combat zone. Still I looked for an alternative to my usual violent response.

When I got back from Nam, I hung around Oakland and San Francisco for a week. I was afraid to go home to Mom and Dad. I didn’t want them to see how I stared out at the world. I didn’t think they could possibly understand what I had done and endured just to survive.

There are probably women in the audience tonight who are afraid to tell mom and dad “My husband hits me sometimes”. There are probably women here who don’t want anyone to know they were raped. I’m guessing there are men in the audience who have hurt the ones they claim to love. Maybe there are men here who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused.

As survivors of public and private wars we know how fragile life is.

We know how easily humans can inch towards hatred and death until all is madness, meaningless and pointless. We know wars start at home and on street corners.  We know there is a daily struggle moving towards life or towards death. We, as survivors, are more keenly aware than anyone of that moment-to-moment choice.

We do not have the luxury of waking up in the morning and simply living that day. We must choose to live every day. Some days the choice is not clear, but it is always clear there is a choice.  Since we have eaten from the tree of such terrible knowledge, the paradise of a simple life is denied us.

As survivors, we know every act moves us closer to love and life, or closer to hatred and death. We know that every day we look down the barrel of our weapons and chose to pull the trigger or not. We know the path to the killing ground is all too easy. We know about the small heartless acts which lead us to the point where we abandoned ourselves to the madness and strike out. We must not turn away.  We are stripped of our illusions. We know that everyone, every day, has the choice to act out of love, or turn towards the darkness.

If we open our hearts, we will hear a quiet voice. It will tell us that the pain we have inflicted or endured does not define us. What we have overcome is only the beginning.

Then we will know that we have a duty to break the chain of violence that binds us by making each day an expression of our loving reverence for life.

Copyright Tom Puetz 2008

Tantra. And how it kicked my ass…

In Uncategorized on September 4, 2009 at 4:44 pm

I wrote this piece for our very first show three years ago and some of the other guys said it wasn’t appropriate. So, I chickened out and didn’t do it, even though it was my favorite piece. Later, in a different show, I did this piece and I had several women come to me with tears in their eyes saying it was beautiful. (Note to self, trust your gut, Derek). Once I posted it on our web site at The MENding Monologues, it quickly became the most requested and most frequently performed piece by third-party groups, mostly by women’s groups trying to raise consciousness of men around sexuality and violence. This piece sums it up pretty damn well.

TANTRA. Written, lived and performed Derek Dujardin

Tonight, I’m going to tell you all about my sex life.

(Cough)

This will take about six and half minutes.

Two years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. We were together almost seven years and I loved her very much. Sex wasn’t a problem for us. In fact, it was probably one of the things that keep us together for so long. But ultimately, our relationship wasn’t sustainable. We broke up.

Her first rebound after we broke up was with some guy who was a Tantric master. He takes her to heights of sexual ecstasy.

How do I know this? Well, my ex and I get back together for a sleepover, and I will tell you, she’s a completely different woman. And I ask her, what happened to you? And she says: (breathy, three heavy breathes, then) “Tantra. Did you know that the vulva can be stimulated from ten different directions?”

No, I didn’t know that. (Clear throat, cover crotch)

As funny as that is now, at the time, I was crushed. Because I wanted to be the guy who opened her that way. Not someone she had just met. After that, my sexual confidence just cratered.

That was first time Tantra kicked my ass. And it wouldn’t be the last.

And men, you might want to listen up because Tantra may be looking to kick your ass too.

So, a few months later, I meet this beautiful flight attendant in Seattle. She actually picks on me and asks me out to dinner. We date for about a month. Let’s just say my confidence gets restored.

Then she invites me to take a week long Tantra course with her in Hawaii. But here’s the catch: She needs a commitment first.

I tell her the truth; I just broke with someone who I was with for seven years. I can’t rush into another relationship. She says “Fine, I’ll take the class by myself. Hmp!”

Well, she’s not by herself for very long. At the class she meets a fellow student and they practice tantra— on each other—for like five days straight. I innocently call her up and ask “how are you enjoying your tantra class, honey?” And she says: “Exalted. The best sex I ever had. Met a German man named Hogart, I’m moving to New Zealand with him. I’ll never go back to having sex the old way again. Did you know the vulva can be stimulated in ten different directions?”

Yeah, yeah, I think heard that somewhere. (Clear throat, cover crotch)

Tantra kicks my ass for a second time.

A couple of months go by, and I met this really charming woman at a seminar. We go out on a date and she tells me she an intimacy coach. She actually teaches tantra. In fact, she’s goes to India and takes month long courses on tantra.

And, I will tell you, for the first time in my life, I’m on a date with an beautiful woman, and I’m actually afraid I might have sex.

I was afraid we would be in bed together and she would say something like: “Did you know the vulva can be stimulated in ten different cosmic dimensions?”

But we didn’t go there. We end up being really good friends. I’m a slow learner, but I finally figure it out: The Universe is trying to tell me something.

So I start reading books on tantra. I took tantra classes. Did this so I could be technically better at sex. And tantra definitely helps with that. But there’s all this other stuff about Breathing and Energy—and God.

God?

Maybe that’s part of my problem. I never brought God into the bedroom before. Unless it was “Oh, God! Oh God! Oh Gawd!’ while making my goofy face. (Fake orgasm with goofy face on stage.)

By the way, that was the Upper Middle Class Nerd Orgasm. Pretty much the only one I know.

Alright. Back to God. For most of my life, I had this concept of God as Pissed Off Old Grandpa. But over time, that changed into a loving, accepting, supportive God. Except, in the bedroom, God was still a pissed off old Grandpa. And, there’s nothing sexy about pissed off old Grandpa’s in the bedroom. No offense, sir. (Gester to the oldest guy in the room.)

But seriously, after reading these tantra books and experimenting with the energy, I’m starting to see sex and relationships in a whole new way.

Tantra is about connecting and achieving union. Sexual energy is just an access point to that. It’s not just treating a woman like she’s a goddess. It’s about loving her as Thee Goddess.

In Tantra, they even have these names of reverence for the genitals. The penis is called the “Jade Shaft” and the “Scepter of Light.” Isn’t that so much nicer than Pecker, Prick or Dick?

They call the vagina: “The Precious Gateway”, “The Golden Doorway” and “The Flower Heart.” Isn’t that cool? The clitoris is called the “The Jewel in the Crown.”

Hmmm. Just imagine the empowering pillow talk Barry White could have using words like this?(Barry White impression) Baby, oh yeah baby, I’m gonnaput my Jade Shaft into your Flower Heart and then fiddle with the Jewel in the Crown until you feel like the Queen of the Universe.

Then I had a serious revelation. Are you ready? Here it is: I believe part of this violence towards women problem stems from how we raise our children to think about sex. And it goes beyond the words we use.

As a boy growing up, I had no enlightened role models around sex. Who does? Our culture has a lot of shall “nots” around sex, but not very many shall “dos”. We don’t have giant stone statues of Gods and Goddesses and Divine Beings getting on with each like they do in India.

We have my mom saying things like: ”Sex is dirty before marriage. It’s sacred after marriage. So keep you pecker in your pants until your married. End of story.”

As a culture, we teach that sex is dirty, profane and degrading.  So, is it any wonder that we have generation after generation of boys who grow up to be men who gravitate towards sex that is dirty, profane and degrading?

What if we taught boys that sex was sacred?

What if at puberty we had a sacred ceremony, a rites of passage, where Older Men told Boys something like this:

“Son, that stirring inside you is your masculine God energy awakening within in you. That desire to procreate is also the desire to create. To learn. To love. To build your body. To dominate in a sport. To lead. To achieve. That isn’t just hormones to be denied, but nothing short of the masculine side of God expressing itself through you.

And son, one day you will meet you opposite and your complement. And she will test you in every way imaginable. But if you are able to stay open to her, the rewards will bountiful beyond measure.”

What an empowering gift that would be to young men? And what gift to women!

If sex becomes sacred to boys, will not grow up to be men who will not use sex as a weapon against women or themselves.

As said, at the beginning. It seemed like Tantra was trying to kick my ass. Now I see that Tantra just waking my ass up.

In my relationships, I’m endeavoring to see the Goddess with in them. And maybe in my looking, I’ll see God within myself.

That’s where Peace and Love, can really start to Get It On!

———-The End———-

Post Script: After I did this piece, I got a lot of attention. Female attention, which was great. Except I wasn’t able to handle it with the level of integrity that was required or was respectful for women. I felt like a rock star. My inner teenager teamed up with my libido and I nearly undid all the good that I had built in doing this show and working with V-Day.

I realized that part of my motivation in doing this piece was to get dates! When I saw that, I got some help. I actually stopped performing this piece for a year in a half until I could get my inner character in alignment with my outside persona that I was showing to the rest of the world. I’m still not perfect, I still have my bad days, but I’m way better than I used to be. I’m finally at the place where I can start performing this piece again and know I’m doing it for the right reasons.  Today, I have to remain present to the fact that a lot of women project on to me positive traits they want in a man. And I have no right to take advantage of those projections. While I do embody many of those positive traits they project, and perhaps they are more of reflection how I’m being, nonetheless, my daily practice is to grow into image that they see and who I know I can and will be. Thanks for reading.


%d bloggers like this: